Now that I’ve got some of these writing deadlines behind me (go read my Persona 5 review and this cute cat story I did for Sword and Kettle Press! Also, I’ve got a submission in for this anthology about tricksters so send me your Dragon Ball Z energy if at all possible!) we can finally focus on what’s important in life: a podcast about a canceled TV show that a confirmed 10(-ish) people listen to! REVENGE CAST REVENGE CAST REVENGE CAST
What is there to say about Revenge, the show where maladaptive, underpaid mutants scuttle from beneath the floorboards to perform menial tasks for the scornful rich while we’re forced to ignore our own comparative plight and instead root for the scornful rich who appear to have some sort of emotional principles, if not socioeconomic ones.
Wait am I talking about TV ………OR REAL LIFE??? (Black Mirror Season 4 Coming Soon)
No, in this case I’m definitely talking about TV…. or at least our sketchy interpretation thereof! Revenge Season 3 is definitely coming to middle, by which I mean a literal middle, by which I mean this is all build from next week’s mid-season finale which, if you’ll recall the season’s in media res opener, ends with Things Going Perfectly And Exactly As Planned.
So before that we got a lot of ducks to get in order! Like, for example, Lydia Davis is not only STILL alive, she’s throwing all the fancy dresses off Victoria’s balcony (Graz would write “cupola” but I have standards and refuse to cotton to the vocabulary of the rich). Unfortunately, though Lydia proves she isn’t above causing a ruckus–and she does get one super-good dress/poor people/servant burn in despite concrete-heavy stares of Societal Disapproval brought forth by the combined might of Victoria and Emily (ship name in this instance: Vicily)–she’s also all too willing to prove she isn’t above proving how dumb she is, which is a lot. It’s a lot dumb.
Or it’s less than she’s dumb than she Just Doesn’t Get It. In fact, among all characters who Just Doesn’t Get It, I’m hard pressed to think of another who Just Doesn’t Get It quite on Lydia’s level–except for Margaux, I guess. But seriously who cares about Margaux??
Well, Jack for one! He’s really afraid that she’s going to get murdered if he keeps liking her. But gosh darnit he can’t just stop liking her so he asks Nolan to hack her computer instead (this is a solution???) Of course, Nolan interprets that as “mack” her–or at least I assume that’s why because otherwise why would he flounce around in her office waving flowers and working his Trademark Nolan Ross Charm ™ otherwise?
Look, EVERYONE GET READY TO GIRD THOSE LOINS. Emily certainly is, because she’s PREGGGNUUUUUNNNNTT—AAAHHHHHH!😝😝😝😝😝😝
Only she’s actually NOT pregnant so in reality she’s girding those loins all the way to the fake pregnancy bank, because a real pregnancy back would be like “uhhh ma’am, I’m not in the business of calling pregnant women liars, but in this instance that’s okay because I can definitively state you are lying about being pregnant, and therefore you’re not technically a pregnant woman… But you are a liar.” At which point the whole house of cards pretty much collapses, Danny runs off to wed (and potentially re-paralyze) the lovely (if hapless) Sara Caramello-BabyRuth-Rollo-CharlestonChew and live a idyllic existence free of Emily and also Emily lies.
WHICH IS A HUGE PROBLEM FOR EMILY WHO’S KIND OF COUNTING ON THOSE LIES ATM.
But it’s all cool, man! Always Grace Under Fire, Emily dodges the pregnancy bank appointment with a little insider tip to the paparazzi, which has the fringe benefit of giving her yet another opportunity to stick the blame on Victoria (note #1 on Emily’s Pinterest board: ASTBOV, in lovely calligraphy (or maybe needlepoint?)), turn Danny against her, turn Charlotte towards Emily (but don’t let her bring your baby near those toxic chemicals, Ems, because sometimes Auntie Charlotte gets to smiling like a weird creepy mom in a Junji Ito comic when it comes to mani-pedis, and the nieces and nephews who deserve them), shoot guns while wearing Victoria’s jewelry as part of this insanely convoluted plan (hey whatever happened to planting the gun in the trunk and taking the dead guy you murdered six episodes out of a freezer and planting HIM somewhere too?) I don’t know. I’m not a Revenger by trade so maybe I don’t get it–it just feels like we’re so far deep in the Revenge Artistry weeds that I’m not even sure if Victoria’s fate represents an actual ironic comeuppance or not? And usually this stuff is pretty obvious, y’know?
Oh well, no big deal! Now that Aiden has guided you through the Honorable Japanese Pre-Battle Sake Ritual, with the carafe you stole from Benihana, in your all-purposeRoom Of Many Glowing Candles At Different Elevations, which you ripped off from the Ikea next door to the Benihana (and somehow neither of you said the word samurai like come on??), we all know The Plan will definitely go off without a hitch considering we definitely haven’t already seen how this ends with you definitely getting shot in the GD tummy and falling off a boat!
SURRENDER. SURRENDER. BUT DON’T LISTEN TO REVENGECAST ALL DAYYYYYY (because it’s not even that long!)
Topics for Consideration:
The Trials of BabyBoy Grayson
Cute As A French “Buttone”
The Martha Flaps
Doctor Burt RealDoctorRoss, The Doctor of Cable (and also Stage Magic)
SkyMall’s Ethical Standards
DPP vs. SPPP, And Other Questions Good Folk Darest Not Ask
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