I know we’re all a bit shook by the content of this Shocking Season Three Opener, but, unlike the completely appropriate episode title, have no FEAR! Because, in our first Revengecast with an on-site guest, Kenna from the Going Last podcast is here to guide us through the heady, yacht-cut waters of a rather tummy-rumbling season premiere!
Things sure have changed in Hamptons! Victoria is laying thick smooches on a questionable new Manpanion, Charlotte is decidedly not glowing (if you know what I mean (I mean those straight-ass bangs, am I right?? (looking like someone did her hair with a salad bowl))), Conrad’s spending less time governing than he is micromanging the Arctic Glacier specs of his official Gubernatorial Picture of Dorian Gray–also he and Danny are pals again because why not–Nolan is out of prison thanks to his helpful robutts foiling the Initiative once (and off-screen) and for all, and the Stowaway is closed until The Season! Oh no! Where will Emily rest her troubled feet, if not in the churning gyre of Jack Porter’s psyche??
Fret not, beloved, because The Season will be upon us sooner than you think! And, with the prow of Victoria’s filial reconciliation crashing into the rocky shoals of her cloying possessiveness and Jack returning to deliver Jacktimatums like he owns the place (well, given it’s the Stowaway, I guess he technically does!) before being possessed (corporeally, that is to say, not in Victoria’s weird velvet-gloved version of Mommy Dearest) by the spirit of Sammy, god rest his soul, to deliver a labrador-style slobberslurp right on Emily’s ill-prepared kisser, FEAR is in the air something fierce! And no one’s olfactory nerves (and gun-shot stomach!) are more aflutter than Emily’s, who displays an astonishing aptitude for multitasking by folding a One-If-By-Land, Twofer-By-Revenge strategy into her Victoria’s erstwhile annual Memorial Day bash courtesy of Nolan’s shockingly impromptu (or is it??) use of the forbidden Parachute Party Crash jutsu.
But beware! Nolan’s not the only one touching ground in a shockingly impromptu fashion. A spry Francophone has alighted on American shores with the flutter of gossamer wings. Why, it’s the Best Character in the History of Revenge, Margaux Lemarchal! And if you disagree that she’s the best character (i.e. the worst character) in the show, then you’re going to have to go through Dave! (and only Dave -ed)
HEY, NOBODY ASKED YOU.
(UHM We’ve somehow missed that Victoria’s balcony is a cupola AND that they call it a cupola in this episode. Truly Revenge reveals more of itself with each viewing. -ed)
AAAH CAN I TALK ABOUT MARGAUX FOR LIKE TWO SECONDS WITHOUT THIS CUPOLA SHIT CROWDING MY FLOW.
(Heartfelt apologies for the missed opportunity to fully discuss our balcony feelings with our new and amazing guest, Kenna! -ed)
COMING BACK AROUND: as the scion of Europe’s most powerful print magazine magnate (brief reminder: this show takes place in the 21st century and the Internet has been invented in this timeline), Margaux’s got big plans and the pixie cut to match! Though, admittedly, her debut is less “Shock and Awe” than it is “Mock and Bawl” as she plummets face first into a lapful of Danny’s cringeworthy sexual innuendo–not what I’d call a fantastic Coming Out forthis Parisienne Debutante! Oh well, it’s hardly her fault. They don’t teach high-level Revenge in those fancy Swiss Alps finishing schools (which, I think we’ll all learn, becomes somewhat of a recurring theme with Margaux’s character).
Naïveté, however, provides no succor to the long-suffering (but not for long!) Ashley Davenport. As the Memorial Day gala hits an explosive tummy ache of a climax and Emily’s Anti-Ashley Scorched Earth Policy charges up to 130% Capacity, the Young Miss Davenport discovers she better get to working overtime if she plans avoid the *taxi emoji* *heart emoji* *knife in back emoji* *get a better plan in life Ashley or AT LEAST set your goals a little higher, JFC emoji* *taxi emoji* and keep her makeshift millet sack booties on US soil. Put that neck on a swivel, Ashley! You know as well as anyone that, thanks to the Greater European Character Conservation of Mass theory, if One Arrives then One Must Surely Leave, and this time I don’t think even the practical powers of the routinely handsome Dr. Doctor will be able to save your social-climbing tootsies out from the summer’s inaugural Young Yuppie Beachside Bonfire For S’Mores & Ritual Revenge Totem Immolation!
*hamburger emoji* *peace sign emoji* *Japanese kanji for Tree emoji* *number 3 emoji* *air plane emoji* *sobbing in the Eastern European bathroom because you accidentally just sold yourself into a life of human trafficking emoji* *cat face emoji* *train emoji*
REVENGECAST! REVENGECAST! REVENGECAST! REVENGECAST!
Topics for Consideration:
The Vandamme of Our Time
Where’d the Pencil Go??
Charlotte’s Most Definite Dick Peek
Tw’One Without Tw’Other
Victoria’s Kawaiikunai Abandonment Issues
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