Watch out everyone because in this sterling episode of Revenge, things are really heating up! And I’m not just talking about the weather (though the unseasonably hot weather is such an essential plot point of this episode that it’s bordering on that annoying thing where people say “Los Angeles is like its own character in this movie, man), but the things that are happening while the weather is hot are also very hot in a metaphorical sense! As the scene opens, we find Helen Crowley dead in our pool house! What do we do! Somehow I was SO sure that they changed into their Super Taupe Tones body disposal outfits the night of the murder but actually those were their NEXT DAY AFTER MURDER outfits, which does make more sense. Nothing screams innocence like beige, obviously.
Meanwhile, back on the other side of the ocean, Jamanda’s first morning of unrestrained wedded bliss is interrupted by a Very Sneaky Hamper Man, name of Anders vonPyramidPlayer. In a trial that would test even the strongest of marriages, Anders deploys his “Grossly Misinterpret Conrad’s Intent” stratagem and holds the newly wedded Clarke-Porters hostage in search of the evidence. But as it turns out, Anders learned all his tactics from an old copy of Stratego, so while he’s trying to figure out if Jack and Amanda “surrounded their flag with bombs, or if that’s just another bomb in the middle, and what if it’s actually in the front row with all the pawns, nobody ever expects you to put it in the front row???” Jack proves he has a knack (or is that a “jack”???) for subterfuge after all, and Amanda’s eyes are drawing a Looney Toons-style dotted line between that fire extinguisher and the back of Anders’s head.
Back on the mainland, though, it is still hot! And you know it’s hot because everyone SAYS it is, including Nolan who has a FAN and AW MAN THE AIR CONDITIONER BROKE and if we weren’t before, we’re definitely going to kill the Baby Coral now, Chocolate! BUT LOOK WE HAVE TO GET THROUGH THIS PODCAST BECAUSE WE ARE VERY HUNGRY SO MOVE MOVE MOVE. Emily and Nolan are on a boat! Aiden drags Padma all the way to NYC to tell her something he basically could’ve texted her, and jeezy creezy thank god they skip that car trip and save us the torment. Like what would their road trip conversations even be about? What the hell would the two blandest people on the planet talk about for two hours? “Omg, can you believe we’re both love Saltines and the Dave Matthews Band??” Yes Padmaiden, I can.
Back on the ocean, time is running out! Emily is moving the throttle forward and Nolan is boat hacking (and doing a very good job at not throwing up!) As the episode hastens to a close, we meet the inscrutable TRASK and, what’s more, discover TRASK HAS A TASK (and that task is to find out what has happened to Helen Crowley). Perhaps more pertinently, we’re given incontrovertible evidence that Emily in fact does have a feeling, it just took her eight years to express it!! (and now Taye Diggs is after her, shit!)
As this Very Important Episode of Revenge comes to a close, resolves are tested, hearts are broken, and wills are reforged into something colder than iron and harder than steel–but the next time your number comes up on that big, karmic wheel, Fauxmanda, maybe just let the necklace go…?
Topics for Consideration:
Gantz: The Suffering of Ealstan
Stinky Boat Bed
THE NECTAHS: Curse of the WereSouthie
Ashley and Her Sizable Bag of Tricks of Many Pockets.
Conrad Grayson: Road Warrior
The Food Pon Farr
LMS or “Lobster Monger Syndrome”
The Adventures of “Blunt Trauma” One and “No Feelings” One, an Emily and/or Emily Amanda and/or Amanda story.