We did it. We made it. Season 2 is upon us. We wearily rouse ourselves from our depressive torpor because, though Victoria is dead, the “Victoria Grayson 2012 Memorial Day Art Auction and Tasteful Philanthropy Gala Sponsored by the Generous and Stunning Victoria Grayson” is still on, except hosted by Ashley. To honor her fallen idol, and also because Victoria left very precise instructions in her will, Ashley wears a simple sackcloth dress and pretends to be bad at party planning so that everyone will pine all the more for the days of Victoria’s generous and stunning party leadership. Emily (invited by Chorcolattea who is on furlough from rehab) shows up in a pretty red dress which confuses Danny and forces him to confront the question of why he isn’t still dating her instead of dating Ashley–I mean Croydon–who isn’t even wearing a red dress or anything. Danny has a conscience again, maybe, and he spends a lot of time on Victoria’s Wistfully Thinking About the Past Balcony, which he has more appropriately renamed Danny’s the Before Time Sadness Place. Wooooo hangin out in mom’s room, doing mom stuff!
Meanwhile on the other side of the planet (48 hours earlier), Emily has thrown herself full on into the Japanese Memory Drowning Method, wherein you drown yourself to get your memories back, which is real and you guys would know that if you’d signed up for Ronald Takeda’s Official Secrets of the Japanese Revenge Masters VHS correspondence course for the reasonable price of $34.95 per tape (plus S&H). But what news from the mark? Quickly, we are enmeshed in the dark pall cast over the dawn of Season 2 by the arrival of only the most treacherous of ancient Chinese sorcerers, Shang Tsung, who, as a character, is really just a copy of that guy from Big Trouble in Little China by Jon Carpenter, so I wanna know exactly where do these white guys get off with this Asian Dark Magic Appropriation BS?
Anyway Takeda is clearly Japanese not Chinese and furthermore clearly not even the same guy anymore! But I guess nobody had to the time to notice the old Takeda Switcheroo since we were all so busy drinking deep of the only ice-blue, Swarovski crystal eyes sufficient to rival Conrad’s unquenchable sapphire glory. Btw his name is Aiden, and we know he and Ems are friends because she almost but not quite murders him after he does her her the courtesy of preventing her from drowning. Quit being so tsun-tsun Emily-kun, it’s time to let your heart utau.
(So Ashley Madekwe pulls off some gorgeous glamorous-ass outfits just like everyone else on the show, I felt like its worth it to be earnest about it for one second because we’re so attached to our cartoon version of sack-cloth Cinderella Croydon that we never really talk about how cool she is, plus as @Spankminister pointed out she has a fashion blog! http://ashley-ringmybell.blogspot.com/)
Topics for Consideration:
SEASON 2 HYPE TRAIN!!
The Stow Away’s Secret Menu ft. The eXistenZ Special.
Conrad Grayon’s Rich Tipz For Good Living[z] (First Tip: Stay Rich At All Costs)
Good Night you Sweet Potato, Good Night you Prince of Grayson Manor
CLAM CAMS and Other Bivalve Surveillance Apparatus For The Modern Bachelor.
Victoria’s Cabin Decor PTSD
Saccharine Taffeta Muffins