First impressions are so important, and the sleepy burb of Solitude tries its very best:
Oh, yay! An execution! Given this, and my inauspicious arrival in Skyrim at the beginning of the game, I’m beginning to wonder if the empire does anything but executions.
Pretty much, no.
Let it never be said that Super King Awesome is the squeamish type. Let it also never be said that he is above corpse-robbing, even when that corpse is recently dead and within eyeshot of many witnesses.
Hey, it nets us a pretty sweet amulet. Worth it!
The executioner, perhaps inspired by our moxie, turns to ask us a question:
I DIDN’T DO NOTHIN’ YOU DIDN’T SEE… Oh, uh… I mean, I’m busy. Some other time, maybe?
We don’t like to make a habit of doing favors for people who callously cut off dudes’ heads, even if cutting of dudes’ heads is what got us our new bling.
By the time we reason out that befriending the executioner is probably more survivable than not befriending the executioner we’ve already infiltrated the castle.
The heart of the Empire, as I understand it.
Wasn’t that hard, I pretty much walked in.
This guy doesn’t seem to mind.
So it turns out that “this guy” was one of the guys who was going to murder us at the beginning of the game. What the shit is that about? I mean, it’s cool that he’s not continually trying to murder me (i.e.: right now), but it’s kind of douchey to just be like “Oh, yeah, I guess we were gonna execute you for some nebulous crime but we got bored of it so no bigs.”
They try to offer us a job. Super King accepts, because a hefty quest log is just sort of what happens in these games, but we’ll see if we actually get around to it.
Prediction: not likely.
Anyway, there are more important matters to deal with.
No I do not want to play your stupid “hoo-man” game of “tag.”
Okay, yes, I actually do.
Human children are confirmed to be as boring and terrible in Skyrim as they are in real life, so they don’t hold Super King’s attention for too particularly long. He plays tag only until the sun goes down, at which point he remembers his mission is to talk to some guy at a bar.
“Our mutual friend sent me” has to be the easiest spy-code to crack in the entire world.
If you’ll remember, the chick from the last chapter sent us with this SUPER GREAT PLAN to infiltrate and embassy full of racists.
The cart ride over gives us plenty of time to practice for our role. We write down answers to all the questions one might expect to hear at a diplomacy party, questions such as: “Hey, dinosaur, seeing as how you hail from a race of SLAVE PEOPLE why is it that you’re attending this party in fancy clothes and not, for example, shackles or a sexy maid costume?”
Fuck, being a dinosaur is so hard.
The chief racist seems to suspect nothing, so we decide to mingle.
If by “mingle” you mean “steal every piece of food we can carry”
And they just let us! Nobody bats an eye!
We meet a cavalcade of crap-bags, like this fine specimen:
Indeed. Not all Nords value strength of arms and honor, just the ones who couldn’t stand to lose twenty or thirty pounds, you ham-beast.
We’re told by the bartender — who is also the “mutual friend” — to make a distraction. Not a problem! We just get some booze for the one guy there who doesn’t seem like a total tool.
Have at it, dude.
We are reticent to leave while he starts telling completely lewd jokes about our racist host, but hey, the mission comes first.
We’re lead through the kitchen on the way to our secret mission, the objective of which we have already forgotten.
Quick pit-stop to steal some cheese.
The dark elf-bartender-mutual friend guy drops us off at the back door and says good luck. What, you’re not coming with?
QUIET. VOICES IN THE HALLWAY. Gotta do this quiet.
Steady now, steady now…
A couple episodes ago someone in the comments said “be careful leveling up a bunch in blacksmithing and stuff and not raising your combat skills, that will make things harder for you.”
I was like “Whatever.“
Now I am like “He may have had a point…”
Thus commences “Operation: Hide In A Place The Enemy Can’t Path To And Shoot Arrows At Them”
Works pretty well until they start summoning beings of elemental flame.
What the hell I hate this dumb castle.
But, having shot about four hundred arrows, we do find our way to the prison cell. Is that why we were here? The only reason I showed up is because there was literally only one path, and there was an objective arrow on my compass pointing me right at the damned door.
Some guy’s getting tortured, pretty much don’t care about that.
Oh wait, they saw us. Time to murder everyone in the room, I guess.
We should not be surprised that this guy is the object of our question, but who knew? It’s not like we were paying attention to the mission briefing.
It’s also not like we’re paying attention to the tortured guy still hanging on the wall. Not with all this prime beef just hanging around in people’s pockets.
Do with that double entendre what you will, I only wanted to point out that I know I made it.
Some time in the interim the dark elf bartender has been kidnapped, so I guess we kill a bunch of guys to free him. You know, for a diplomacy mission, this sure has involved us killing pretty much everyone on the estate.
Whiny McWhinerson barely takes time to thank us:
I hope it was worth it?! I DON’T CARE. I NEVER CARED. I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME.
So the three of them, the prisoner, the bartender, and the dinosaur, stride out into freedom through the trapdoor that leads into a mineshaft and takes them immediately out of the dungeon and off of the estate and…
HEY WAIT WHY DIDN’T WE JUST TAKE THIS ENTRANCE AND SKIP THE WHOLE STUPID MANSION.
Uh, I mean, aside from the Frost Trolls.