Back in the crap-ass human town of Crapville, Super King is on the hunt. He’s a man with a plan, and his plan is to get back the sacred relic, his sacred relic, which some thief in the night stole from an altar rightfully destined for him and…
HEY WAIT A MINUTE!
How did they get through the time-trial portcullises guarding the sacred relic if they didn’t have the dragon shout, available only to people of dragon lineage OF WHICH SUPER KING IS THE ONLY ONE, that grants you a temporary speed boost?
I mean, other than just having two people so the second guy could just walk through the gate and snag the sacred relic. But hey, whatevs.
This chick stole it. We don’t know why, and our interest is falling precipitously because, face it, even for a Bethesda character she’s hardly a looker. We got told to ask the innkeeper for the ‘attic room.’ Well she’s it. We tell her she’s got a pretty crappy password.
Also, it turns out the “attic room” is actually in the basement, which is just retarded.
Blah blah blah she’s part of some group of something or others who had to go into hiding because some jerks ascended to power. While waiting for her to explain all her dumb secrecy we take in some light reading material:
She gives us the new member’s quiz:
Can I devour a dragon’s soul? You know how I do. I be up on that shit like OM NOM NOM.
Delphine’s got some dumb quest we’ve gotta set out on so we can learn the truth behind why dragons are coming back. Honestly, neither of us had noticed they were gone in the first place. Weren’t there dragons in Oblivion? If not, then why not?
Maybe there’s a raffle where you have to pick one thing from Tolkien and leave it out of your fantasy game so they can’t sue you for taking their sweet ideas about hobbits.
Were there hobbits in Oblivion? If not, then why not?
She’s in a rush, but we want to make a stop by the enchanting table before we go.
So we can forge the souls of our enemies into the fire spitting and unstoppable “Wesley Snipes”
Delphine gets bored, says she’ll meet us there. That’s fine with us. We got a new bow! We’re fine!
We soon wish we’d taken her offer to travel together more seriously!
Black arrow, I have saved you to the last. You have never failed me and I have always recovered you.
Psyche, naw. I just shot a bunch of regular-ass arrows at that SOB. I’m not down with that Hobbit shit.
Lydia spends most of the fight on her hands and knees crawling away like an impotent hobo. She doesn’t have access to my most secret and most advanced healing techniques:
After consuming approximately six whole salmons and half a deer, I convince myself I’m brave enough to close the pause screen.
Probably a mistake.
But — after eating a not-insignificant of amount of the area’s wildlife — I do prevail. I think it had something to do with that sweet-ass music kicking once that firebreathing asshole took flight.
What is that word, anyway?
Some things men are not meant to know, Super King.
We know we’ve reached the designated meeting place when all the villages start bitching about some dragon bullshit.
Super King explains that he killed one on the way over, ‘so no big; don’t worry about it’, but Lydia’s gaunt and near-death appearance (having suffered forty five save-reload’s worth of flame breath) tells a different tale, and the villagers will not be calmed.
We ascend the mountain, intent on examining the source:
Giant column of light and power, preternatural snowstorm, possible chanting.
Oh wait, that’s not chanting: it’s just a giant undead dragon waking up for a millennia-long nap.
Aim true, Wesley.
But the dragon will not be denied and suffers our arrows like pin pricks. We are forced into melee.
Where even my much-vaunted Soul Trap proves ineffective.
If I can’t trap an ancient undead dragon’s soul then I really don’t see the point of even having it in the game, much less having a game at all.
But even a giant undead dragon can’t stop us, we’re just that hype.
And Lydia poses, like she did all the work.
Like with the last fight she was just crawling around like she was dead drunk. Hey Lydia: get more HP or learn how to eat two dozen apples in one sitting otherwise you’re out of the party.
I mean “I love you.”
Some stupid stuff about evil elves, I guess.
I wasn’t really listening. We have to infiltrate this embassy run by… dark elves? Regular elves? I was mostly busy picking out the best dragon bones to loot, so I wasn’t exactly taking notes.
There’s a big plan about sneaking me into the embassy as a guest. Great idea, lady. Did I mention that my entire race of dinosaur people are regarded with such disdain that we’re still waiting on our first dinosaur Congressman? How are you going to sneak us in: as a scullery maid? Because I don’t think they’ll buy “diplomat.”
Then literally the most interesting thing in the game thus far happens to me:
I find this abandoned shack.
That’s not the interesting part.
There is nothing in the world I want to know more than why this door is spattered with blood. It is locked and I think I need a key, but I put like ten markers on my map so I know to come back here because, seriously, BLOODY DOOR ON ABANDONED SHACK. I don’t care about story quests, I don’t care about dialogue, but for some reason I have to know what happened inside that shack.
Then, in the distance, I see a horse straight-up murder a dude:
Because Super King is a pretty smart guy and because we think murderous horses are cool we just walk straight up. What’s the worst that could happen?
For some reason mounting this horse would be considered stealing. I don’t see any owners here. They’re probably dead! Even if they weren’t dead it’s like, come on, who’s gonna see me take it?
Snitches get stitches, Lydia.
I throw caution to the wind and get on up on that pony. We go everywhere together. We are inseparable.
But we have to leave him near this East [India] Company Warehouse because we go up on this hill and it’s more convenient just to jump off the cliff to get to the warehouse than it is to find a path for the horse to walk down.
BYE HORSE. IT WAS A REALLY FUN TEN MINUTES.
I’ll save you the part where I stole every unsecured iron bar and piece of ore they had in arm’s reach.
More important is when I meet that sassy Argonian lady:
So I pretty much just steal from her instead. It’s her own fault, by my estimation.
Having robbed the warehouse and it’s collection of ships, we finally decide it’s time to roll on. We’ll miss you Deeja, we’ll always have memories of the… six gold coins in your pocket.
What the fuck, Argonians. Nobody’s gonna take you seriously if you don’t start rolling with mad bank. Like Super King.
Seven thousand coins, son, check out this flash roll.
It is actually a flash pouch, because coins are not easily show in roll-form.
It’s a very nice pouch.
The object of our quest (we think) looms on the horizon. Solstice.
Uh. It could be the right place. We just followed the map marker.