Man. We are the best at this game. We killed a dragon already! I’m pretty sure he was the last boss. What more could there possibly be after we straight-up murdered a dragon?
Don’t you worry, I’ll tell you what more is left in this game:
Okay, so technically she introduces herself as a Hüsker Dü, and we say dude, cool! We love that band!
Don’t remember any chicks in it, though…
Her name is Lydia and she is so pretty and we want to write a sequence of R&B tribute tracks about her.
But Super King says NO. True players don’t need to write songs.
True players just wait.
True players learn about blacksmithing from some weird lady near the town gates.
She lets us keep the stuff we made with the materials she gave us, so Adrianne might be a pretty good blacksmith but she’s a pretty shit businesswoman. All the same, we appreciate the lesson more than we appreciate the crap-ass iron dagger and bullshit fur cap we just smithed. You know what they say, give a man a dagger and he’ll have a dagger, teach a man to make a dagger and he’ll find a way to exploit the crafting system to gain quick level-ups.
Our time with Adrianne was short but sweet. My favorite part is when we stole every bit of ore and and every smelted bar we could find in her shop and then used it to craft a bunch of garbage that we then sold to her husband(?) behind the counter.
We are so good at our job.
But stories of a bunch of old men in the mountain who can tell us how to do awesome Dragonborn stuff compel us forward. We tread onward on that lonesome road, now with the excellent company of Lydia instead of the shitty company of stupid Sven who, last time I checked, only developed an awesome pair of tits due to a chronic drinking habit.
We set out for adventure!
We find skeletons.
They murder us.
A couple times.
Lydia isn’t much for strategy. She mostly prefers to run around in circles, since the enemy starts up on a cliff and her pathfinding apparently blows. We let it go because she’s cute.
We figure out the skeletons are being controlled by a necromancer hiding in the rocks. We figure this out because he has been shooting us with magical ice this whole goddamn time and it was really getting to be annoying. But we have the last laugh:
As expected, “the last laugh” is “stealing his clothes”
Later, when questioned about this incident in dino-court, we will explain that we stole his clothes and left him naked because his robes conveyed a sweet 25% bonus to my Magicka regen, but in truth it’s because someone spray-painted a glow-in-the-dark skull on the front of them and that is amazing.
Further along the road is a mine. Mines mean ore, so we pillage the hell out of it. Things are great until we spy something deeper in the depths. We peer through the darkness and see…
Turns out it’s just a Dark Elf. Still, ew, dude, ew.
Outside is some lady who will teach us about light armor. We’re not even sure if we’re wearing light armor, but since leveling up in any skill directly impacts your overall level, we sink a few gold coins into the coffers of this pigsty in exchange for training. We probably stole an equivalent value in iron bars anyway, so no big loss.
We’re given the option to ask her to join us, but it seems she won’t come along while we’re chillin’ with Lydia. OH WELL. YOUR LOSS LADY WE WERE GONNA HAVE AN ORGY WITH YOU.
Lydia’s in the background like “What?”
“NOTHING LYDIA, PRIVATE CONVERSATION GOING ON OVER HERE OKAY.”
So we bed down for the night, only woken with a start. A group of hired thugs surround us, possibly sent by the notorious Adrianne, because they accuse us of stealing and make it clear their intent of murder. “How did you know?!” Super King exclaims, “I loaded the game every time I was caught!”
Lydia is much less verbal in her methods:
Oh my god why is it possible to do that in a game. Lydia, oh god, Lydia, oh god. We need to leave this place. We need to leave right now.
While deep in another generic and stupid band cave, notable only because there’s a sabertooth lion at the end we can let out and have murder all the bandits,we come upon a great and startling discovery:
Books can teach you skills!
Perhaps the most important part is that you only have to read the title page to learn all the tricks. This is exciting, but also depressing because, well, now we’re gonna have to read all the dumb books in the land, aren’t we? I bet less than half of them are about Argonian sex workers, too.
The rest of the cave is pretty much just dumb traps.
Made out of gross leg bones and shit.
The bandits don’t take kindly to us setting off their well-laid instruments of murder.
Lydia straight-up kills them all and sits at their table.
Take a good look at that picture because in it Lydia has an arrow stuck in her face.
That is commitment!
Denude some more bandits.
Harvest some magic mushrooms
Just more ordinary time in Skyrim!
We find another cave and enter with abandon, assuming we’ll find only more pansy-ass bandits and nothing else.
Like, a whole ton of witches. I swear I murdered a whole coven. That has to be worth a medal. There were a lot of witches.
To the victor go the spoils.
As we root through the witch-cache of gems filled with the fragments of their defeated enemies we have to wonder: are we so different?
Don’t be silly Super King, of course we are.
We’re still alive.
But off in the distance, a cave, and a sparkling figure.
We creep ever so subtly forward, until…
I guess it’s like a dryad or something. I don’t know. It doesn’t talk. It doesn’t even try to leave the cage until I get behind it and push to kick-start its AI routines.
I pretty much forget about the dryad when I find the enchantment altar. Now I learn the purpose of soul gems: they’re used to imbue powers into your weapons. That means every magical weapon is filled with the souls of its wielder’s foes. How is that not completely fucked up?
Here’s a hint: it is completely fucked up.
So is this… thing.
The dryad is still staring at me when I finish with my enchantment training, having gained about four levels by putting dumb stuff like +2% Fire Resist on my boots. Once again the lesson for this episode is reinforced: level up using cheap tactics involving crafting.
We have to give the dryad five or six more shoves before it finally starts running out of the cave without ever uttering a word of thanks. Or any other words, really. Dude, what a dick. He/she/it better be referenced in some quest later or on saving him/her/it was a complete waste of time.
You’re welcome, jerk!
Man, fuck witches.