Skyrim #4: Destiny; Dragons

The first thing we learn is that Meadery owner/operators are complete and total pervs.

As an Argonian, Super King finds this incredibly offensive.

Also as an Argonian, Super King finds this incredibly hot.

The weirdest part about it is that the author “Crassius Curio” is also the dude in the book who bangs the titular Argonian Maid, making this perhaps the earliest example of Mary Sue fanfiction in all of history. “Who was this Argonian Maid,” Super King wonders, “and what made her so lusty?”

We spend more than a reasonable amount of time on that bunk reading the same four pages of dinosaur lust over and over again. It’s not until the janitor kicks us out that we decide it’s probably time to get going. Screw this Mead Hall! We remember a valuable lesson that we should’ve learned many times before: video game drunk is a lot less fun than real life drunk.

That’s okay, video game stealing is a lot more fun (and a lot safer) than real life stealing. And lords do I love my stealing.

Especially when we can pass it off as “harvesting.”

If you pluck it out of the ground it doesn’t count as stealing and in Skyrim potatoes and lettuce grow at a rate of approximately one whole plant per day. Super King doesn’t need to steal from green grocers any more (doesn’t need to). He’s found a literally unlimited supply of vegetables. He will eat potatoes like a king! Like a super king!

Whiterun has seen better days, though. Must be all the potato thieves bringing down the economy.

It takes us a while to find the front gate and then some douchebag refuses to let us in when we finally do. You know, the tales about Whiteruns fabled hospitality are vastly overstated. Of course, it’s difficult for them to be overstated because there are no such tales, but that just goes to show you how overstated they are that they don’t even exist and they’re still considered hyperbole.

I’m like 70% dragon. JUST LET ME IN THE GATE.

Oh, guard. So innocent. So young. How could you know that the first thing I’d do upon entering Whiterun was not go see the Jarl, as you suggest, but actually go break into someone’s house and just sort of sit around the joint?

It’s here we discover a new fetish. It might be a little weird so bear with me, but we have decided to make Skyrim a game in which we break into as many houses as possible and cook as many recipes as we can before people notice we’re there.

Tonight’s menu is a delicious vegetable medley in a chicken broth.

Let simmer for 3-4 hours, or as long as it takes before the owner of the house wakes up and tries to have you arrested. No! You don’t understand! We were just making you breakfast!

(we were not making you breakfast)

We run out of potatoes, but we’re several servings of stew the richer, plus we totally ripped off that guy’s whole supply of apples. Life’s lookin’ pretty good!

And this place has the tree from Lord of the Rings.

And a statue of some asshole stepping on a snake.

Hey, you’re the asshole that was stepping on that snake!

Uh, maybe. He’s got the same douchey pointy beard. That’s probably enough to consider them the same person. Super King hates beating a dead horse, but those humans don’t have much in the way of distinguishing facial characteristics. Nothing like a set of horns or a pair of fins to really bring out someone’s inner beauty.

“Blah blah blah I’m the Jarl. Blah blah dragons. Blah blah go talk to my stupid wizard man.”

Uh, yeah, I did already find your stupid stone tablet. It was sitting on coffin where I had some sweet dragon words etched into my mind and killed some loser zombie. No big. I kind of do it every day.

I’m really more interested in seeing your collection of lightweight and valuable objects.

Normally we prefer to axe the souls directly out of our foes, but that one was sitting right there and the wizard was looking the other direction.

There’s a lot of soul gems to steal in that room,  so can you blame us when we kind of lose the bead on the conversation? Next thing we know we’re being recruited into a dragon killing gang. Why? Because we found some dumb tablet in a tomb? We were just trying to rob the place! This has nothing to do with us!

Speak for yourself. I ain’t honorbound to shit!

Chin up, Sven! We’ll probably mostly be okay!

The lettuce will protect us!

Oh god oh god oh god I don’t want to die.

In a completely awesome moment of emergent gameplay, dawn breaks just as we reach the smoldering tower. Why does the dragon attack a tower out in the middle of nowhere? Well, the motives of reptiles, all reptiles, are pretty much inscrutable, but Super King likes to attribute these sort of things to the desire for chilling. That dragon probably just wanted to spread his wings and relax on some nice hot rocks. Then a bunch of Nords shot arrows at it and now it’s super pissed off and we have to clean up the human’s mess.

Again.

Secondary Objective: Don’t poop your pants.

Oh god oh god oh god I don’t want to die.

OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD.

Oh wait. Dragons spit fire. Like all the time. In fact, that’s pretty much the only thing Super King knows a dragon does besides fly around and chill out. Flamethrower hands, you’ve served me well, but maybe it’s time for a change in tactic.

HOW YOU LIKE THIS ACTION??

The dragon neither “likes” nor “dislikes” “this action.” He barely flinches at all. The battle is not going well. We’re losing hope. We’re also losing healing potions, like we’re pretty much out of them and we’ve been drinking bottles of pilfered Honningbrew Mead for the past five minutes thinking they might heal us.

They don’t.

But you know what does?

YEAH BOY.

We cram our tummies full of soup with the kind of alacrity that only an inventory screen can provide. Now we’re back in the fight and we’ve brought an old friend: lightning hands. Super King commands the gaggle of gathered humans to draw the dragon’s ire while he strikes the killing blow.

It’s go time.

And the world turns white.

I have become the Matrix.

I guess this is just something that people do when they’re awesome and dragon born. They just go around absorbing dragon’s souls and using them to fund their power-mad endeavors. Thanks for the help humans! Thanks for the help Sven (you twat). Now that I’ve got the power of a dragon inside me I don’t need any of you!

Yep. Absorbing dragon souls is pretty great… I just… well, I kind of wish I knew where all the skin and guts and blood went when I sucked their unliving essence into my body.

Don’t feel bad Sven! It’s just, now that we have the POWER OF A DRAGON we don’t need your shitty bow anymore! I’m sure you’ll be able to find someone else in this world who’s willing to take on your service for absolutely no pay, as I was. I mean seriously, you joined up with me because I delivered a letter to your girlfriend, you’re pretty much just throwing it out there to anyone who will listen.

You should get some self-respect.

  • RickyRico

    So… I’m just commenting that I am reading these and want to see more but it seems like no one else is commenting… so don’t stop.

  • Chasedamon

    more now!!!!!!

  • Don’t forget to steal the dragon’s skin and bones after stealing its soul! You can (eventually, with high-level perks) forge armor out of it. Or sell it for a good deal of cash. Or at least make a giant pile in your house.