We’re happy to report our “hunting” excursion was a complete success!
We meet a guy with a bow. Presumably he was the one going after all these foxes. Well you know what they say, hunter guy: the pen is mighter than the sword, and also when my hands shoot lasers out of them FUCK YOUR BOW WHY ARE YOU USING A BOW YOU IDIOT.
Sorry I yelled in front of your dog.
Our newfound freedom clutched firmly to our breast (it’s between the fox pelt and our scales), we head off in the direction the stinky Nord indicated, spurred on by thoughts of his super-hot sister. His sister! We are so gonna get laid!
The sleepy hamlet actually has its charms, though the first person we run into is an elf who’s complaining because some lady won’t give him the time of day. He wants us to sneak her a letter from her boyfriend that basically says “HEY I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL WE GET MARRIED SO I CAN PUT YOU IN THE KITCHEN AND MAKE YOU COOK SANDWICHES FOR ME AND MY BOYZ.” This is some sort of plot to get the girl to break up with her boyfriend so she’ll date the elf?
Super King compliments his attempt at subterfuge and admits there’s no love lost between him and Nord boyfriends, but politely declines. Then goes and tells the girlfriend about it. She gets all pissed her boyfriend gets laid (presumably for the first time ever, since he’s so indebted to us he becomes our travel companion) and the elf runs away, saying he hates us, and cries into his elf-stew, which is made of the garbage vegetables like carrots and leeks.
Super King’s favorite vegetable is mutton.
We eventually get to the back of the town, where we meet Gerdur: guess she runs things here. Dude, Rolof, you never said your sister had a name like Gerdur!
We can’t decide if that makes her far far hotter or far far uglier. At this point it hardly seems to matter.
Super King is about 50% through his patented seduction technique when the tardy Rolof shows up and starts slinging his jaw about how we helped him and how we’re the best and how she should give us all her stuff. Gerdur complies asking us to take “only what we need” and opening her inventory screen.
We take everything.
Some other guy shows up. Super King spends most of his time picking his teeth and yawning in an overt manner, so as to show he’s bored. The humans don’t really seem to pick up on it. They’re mostly talking about how they’re going to overthrow the kind or some crap like that. Our dino-savior has more important things on his mind, like how every child in Tamriel still looks like they have Down’s Syndrome:
Lost in thought over ass-faced children as we were, Super King wasn’t listening when the conversation ended, so we kind of missed the part where we were told what we were supposed to do next. Oh well! More time for explorin’!
In the village lies a noble shopkeep. He tells us and Sven, our new bard/bodyguard (which is probably a profession with a long life expectancy), that some dastardly bandits have made off with his family’s prized dragon claw. We want a dragon claw!
He offers us a reward. We’re loathe to accept until…
It’s probably not good to argue with the necromancer shopkeep.
But mess we do! He’s got a whole second floor and we tip toe up there quiet as can be, on the hunt for treasure! He’s got the standard assortment of silverware and cabbages in addition to a mace and one conspicuously placed floor-arrow. Basically, this guy is holding on to a king’s ransom in goods.
But the evil necromancer/shopkeep soon becomes suspicious of pitter-patter of taloned feet on his roof and comes up to investigate. We play it cool.
Okay okay. We’ll go get your dumb dragon claw, precious family heirloom. For our reward we want the hand of your sister in marriage! And also half of your shop’s profits amortized over the past ten years! And a low interest high yield loan on government bonds! And all your silverware!
He barters us down to 400 gold. As we currently hold 4 gold, we agree that this is reasonable.
The shopkeep also sells us a spell that creates mystical balls of light that tell us where to go. This is maybe the best invention ever. In other games they would just have a waypoint for you to head to. In Skyrim they make you pay mana for the privilege!
Super King asks me what a waypoint is. I dismiss the question.
In the treacherous ruins lurk the bands who stole away with the merchant’s claw. We are determined to get it back… THE ONLY WAY WE KNOW HOW.
Why doesn’t every game have stealth lasers?
The bandit hideout is actually a deep catacombs filled with a bunch of idiotic traps like swinging guillotine blades and this ridiculous one where you have to turn the animal face plates to match the animal face plates on the wall. OH MY GOD YOU GUYS ARE GENIUSES.
OH NO POISON DARTS.
Okay, fine. So we didn’t see what animal was on the broken one the first time around. BIG DEAL. WE GOT IT WRONG. POISON DARTS. NO BIG WHOOP.
And after most of the retarded traps are dealt with, we end up in more worrisome territory. Like, spiderweb worrisome territory. Super King doesn’t even like it when he walks into a spider web and it gets all into his mouth. That’s gross! He shudders just thinking about it!
He also shudders just thinking about this, because it is taking up the entire doorway and visible to the naked eye.
It was made by a giant spider. Yes, yes. I get it.
And what was in the spider’s nest? Oh, why, the friendly thief! He stole our hearts with platitudes, promising riches beyond our wildest imagination if we’d only cut him down from his webby tomb. Super King, who prefers to believe in the essential nobility of man, took him at his word.
Then the bastard betrayed us!
But we had the last laugh. As he ran through the catacombs, cackling over how ‘the treasure was his’ and ‘we’d rue the day’, the very corpses in the walls came alive and ate him whole. Serves you right. We looted the dragon claw, the object of our quest, off of his still-warm corpse and were ready to call it a job well done.
Except there was no fast travel, so we just kept walking. Deep down. Deeper and deeper. Into the (deep) depths.
Not pictured: shooting lasers in an attempt to save this jerk’s life.
We discover that the undead are mostly unaffected by electricity. Upsetting, yes. Super King resolves to write a letter to Bethesda about their unfair hacks.
After which he asks: “who is Bethesda?”
That’s fine. No big deal:
We learn flame hands work just as well.
The passage holds one final “puzzle” for us. We have to line up three discs in GUESS HOW… the order of the animals presented! This time it’s supposedly engraved upon the claw, but neither Super King nor I could figure out how to examine an item in our inventory. Fortunately we remembered something from combinations and permutations in math class. With a relatively small number of possible choices, we rotate the symbols on the dials until a solution reveals itself. Sure, it probably took ten times as long as it would’ve to figure out how to zoom in on the golden dragon’s claw in our inventory, but hey! That’s part of the fun!
The door opened, an ancient grotto is revealed to us. A burial site, in which, we presume, are treasures untold. The best part about it: the shopkeep told us to rescue a golden dragon’s claw, not a tomb of fabled treasure. We will simply forget to mention this was here, should he ask. That seems reasonable.
But it’s more than a tomb of untold treasure! On the floor is a mysterious codex. On the walls are bizarre runes. Our world shakes as we absorb them into our being.
There’s no time to ponder the significance of this (possibly sexual) awakening. The chieftain of the zombie tribe rises behind us, prepared to strike. It’s all or nothing time, Super King. It’s do or die!
We burn him with fire. It’s all good.
Lucian, the shopkeep, is overjoyed at the return of his dumb dragon’s claw, and he forks over the promised four hundred gold reward. Super King is pretty ecstatic, we won’t lie, but he’s also interested in those words of power he felt coursing through him. There’s some mystery here. Some puzzle to be solved. At the end, we promise ourselves, we’ll get to the bottom of it. For now…
We steal the grocer’s cabbages.